The Diversity Election (Diversidad mi asno!)
The all-white school board in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania wants you to know that they are all about diversity. (¡Sí a diversidad!) After all, their student population is one third Hispanic. That’s why they passed on the opportunity to seat lawyer, civic leader and actual Hispanic person, Sis Obed Torres Cordero, to the board. Imagine the white outrage when the morning headline in the local newspaper read “Board Rejects Hispanic Candidate.”
“We certainly need diversity,” said Johanna Bees, a Republican committeewoman who spoke outside the city library. “But the school board had to consider qualifications first.” Ms. Bees paused and then added: “One of my gripes is that all these people should learn English. When they’re walking on the street and they’re jabbering in Spanish, it really annoys me.”
The board president, Loretta M. Leeson, (Una señora blanca) was also really annoyed. “We did not reject a ‘Hispanic candidate,’ ” Mrs. Leeson jabbered in English. “We rejected Mr. Torres Cordero in favor of a candidate with the best qualifications.” The board’s candidate of choice was local banker Benjamin M. Tenaglia III, whose white, non-those people status was not in dispute.
Tell a Friend
Listen To Your Elders
Just in case I’m wrong about the fact that I am an old gay coot and the last person on the planet to hear about great new singer/songwriters … here’s Namoli Brennet.
Like Aretha’s “Till You Come Back To Me”, I can’t get this flipping song out of my head.
Brennet’s music is featured in the upcoming documentary film Heartland USA, from the husband and husband team of Joe Wilson and Dean Hamer (www.qwaves.com). Some other great people you should know about. Wow … I feel like Army Archerd! I mean Perez Hilton!
Please don’t write in to let me know that everyone in the world already knows about Namoli Brennet. I’m feeling really hip and new right at the moment. Now … shut your pie hole before I knock you into next week.
Tell a Friend
Sodomy (The Sequel)
I was really hoping for some hate mail after my last post “And Now … A Word About Sodomy”. After all, what’s the point in being a proud member of the forces of darkness, if you can’t engender some good ol’ fashioned wrath from the religious right? It must be a gender thing. They just don’t take lesbians seriously. Surely if I admitted to participating in the vile and wildly pleasurable act of sodomy, I would receive a little retribution. Alas, I have heard nothing. Where did I go wrong? What really happened in Sodom and Gomorrah and why can’t a lesbian sodomite get a little respect?
Perhaps I need a Biblical refresher course. Here it is!! The story of Sodom and Gomorrah for kids!
But the people of the cities got more and more greedy and selfish. They would not share what they had with the poor, or even with guests. So God told Abraham he had decided to destroy the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham was shocked, and begged God not to kill all those people. God finally agreed to leave the cities alone if Abraham could find fifty good men there, but Abraham couldn’t find that many. God went down to forty-five men, then to thirty, or twenty, or even ten men, but Abraham couldn’t find even ten good men in the city (women didn’t count in this story, except to be killed).
Greedy and Selfish? Where’s the anal intercourse in all this?? How are you going to scare the crap out of kids without the anal intercourse part? And another thing … “women didn’t count” in this story? Except to be killed? If they didn’t count, why kill them? The flip side of this coin is that it’s probably good to reinforce that message to your girl children early in life. Why set them up for future disapointment? Let’s read on, shall we?
Tell a Friend
And Now … A Word About Sodomy
John McCain’s “spiritual advisor” Ron Parsley is obsessed with gay sex. Sodomy in particular. As a lesbian, I sometimes feel left out of the gay hatred. Sodomy, sodomy, sodomy. Why is it always about sodomy with these guys?
Hey, wait a minute! I belong to the forces of darkness! I’m a tortured and angry homosexual! The perverted act of sodomy? What do I have to do to fit in here?
According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary, the definition of sodomy is …
Anal copulation of one male with another. Anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex. Copulation with an animal.
Any of various forms of sexual intercourse held to be unnatural or abnormal, especially anal intercourse or bestiality.
Just to make sure I was perfectly clear on this, I went to Dictionary.com …
Sodomy: anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex.
That’s it? Those are my choices? Opposite sex copulation, anal intercourse or bestiality? I’m going to have to go with anal intercourse. I tried the opposite sex copulation thing years ago and it just did not work for me. The cat and I barely get along. She belongs to my girlfriend and the word “needy” doesn’t begin to describe her. That leaves me with anal intercourse. I always prided myself on being a “team player” and so, in the spirit of unity , I decided to take one for the team.
This is what I learned … Relaxation is key. Wine is helpful. Start small. Patience and a good personal moisturizer or “gelee” is a real plus. At the end of the day, (or night as it were), I have this to say about sodomy … It’s great! Seriously, I can’t believe I didn’t know about this. I feel like an idiot. All these years of boring lesbian hair brushing, giggling and kissing, when I could have been having anal intercourse!
Thank you Ron Parsley. Finally, I can pervert god’s original intention, attack marriage, destroy families and have really great sex all at the same time. Who cares about “special rights” and “preferred status”? I have sodomy! Tonight’s plan: A romantic dinner, soft music, a nice bottle of wine and a crazy trip for two to Gomorrah. I will update. Praise the lord and pass the lubrication!
Tell a Friend
Step Away From The Maypoles
Tell a Friend
Barack’s Better Angel
Barack Obama gave a great speech yesterday. He didn’t sound like a preacher. Good choice. We’ve all had enough of preachers. He wasn’t “Obama the Magnificent”. He seemed fallible and normal and human. I liked him. He was honest. He told the truth. Not once did I feel that he had run anything by a focus group. How refreshing. I sincerely hope that this human version of Obama is the one we get to see from now until November. Is that audacious of me?
To my friends who are ardent supports of either Clinton or Obama: If my choice is between two political robots, I will vote for the one who has more experience and a tougher team. A real, honest human being, I could support. I will be watching.
Words do matter. To view the speech in it’s entirety, click the link … http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrp-v2tHaDo
Note to Obama … Eight American flags behind you during a speech is seven flags too many. Seriously, that was creepy. The Donnie McClurkin thing? Really awful. Throw that guy under the bus. No one will care.
Tell a Friend
Notes on a Scandal(s)
And now, a quick recap of this weeks scandals!
Scandal #1: Eliot Spitzer: High-powered man pays for prostitutes. Not really scandalous when you consider that monkeys pay for sex.
“It turns out that one of humanity’s oldest professions may be even older than we thought: In a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers found that male primates “paid” for sexual access to females — and that the going rate for such access dwindled as the number of available females went up. “
Seriously, how scandalous can it be. Monkeys pay for it … we all pay for it one way or another. Spitzer’s call-girl, “Kristen”, was just a female macaque monkey with a really good PR person. The scandal was that Spitzer paid $4300 for a 22 year old Jersey chick who couldn’t make it in the entertainment business. If availability sets the market price, the only scandalous thing about Eliot Spitzer is that he is not as smart as a male macaque monkey. For that reason, I am glad he is gone. We did learn one thing in all this mess … faithfulness is fantasy.
“Sexual promiscuity is rampant throughout nature, and true faithfulness a fond fantasy. Oh, there are plenty of animals in which males and females team up to raise young, as we do, that form “pair bonds” of impressive endurance and apparent mutual affection, spending hours reaffirming their partnership by snuggling together like prairie voles or singing hooty, doo-wop love songs like gibbons, or dancing goofily like blue-footed boobies.”
Oooops … wrong video. Sorry.
I am not suggesting that all men act like macaque monkeys. Some men, the monogamous ones, act like flatworms.
“Diplozoon paradoxum, a flatworm that lives in gills of freshwater fish. “Males and females meet each other as adolescents, and their bodies literally fuse together, whereupon they remain faithful until death,” Dr. Barash said. “That’s the only species I know of in which there seems to be 100 percent monogamy.” And where the only hearts burned belong to the unlucky host fish.”
I’ve known a few of those “fused worm” couples. Whenever I’m around them, I do indeed feel like an unlucky host fish. Speaking of unlucky hosts …
Tell a Friend
The Least Anti-Gay Right Winger You’ll Never Watch Again
I’ve often wondered what Tucker Carlson would do if he didn’t have a show on MSNBC. I suppose we’ll know soon enough. In the meantime, if you run into Tucker Carlson in a public restroom … don’t tap back.
Tell a Friend
Another Dick Hillary Can’t Control
New York’s Democratic Governor, Eliot Spitzer is caught up in a sex scandal involving a prostitution ring. Who’s to blame? I think it’s pretty clear. Here are some quotes from last night’s news shows.
“Let me just point out Chris … Eliot Spitzer is a Hillary supporter!”
“On top of all that, Wolf … Spitzer is a Clinton Superdelegate!”
“What’s really interesting Jack … the governor is a big supporter of Hillary Clinton!”
“Of course this guy, Spitzer, is in the Clinton camp. This cannot be good for Hillary Clinton!”
Hillary Clinton is not qualified to be President. The world is full of dicks and Hillary can’t even control the ones in her own inner circle. The true test of a woman’s salt is her ability to wrangle the penises around her. A man would have seen this coming. No pun intended.
When asked for a comment about the New York Governor’s call girl conundrum, Clinton replied …
“I don’t have any comment on that. Obviously I am sending my best wishes and thoughts to the governor and to his family.”
After Senator Clinton’s statement was read on MSNBC’s Mancave, sorry, Hardball, Chris Mathews sarcastically snipped , “Well … that’s nice”. Chris Mathews knows dick and Hillary Clinton doesn’t. Mathews didn’t say what comment would have been appropriate, but I have some suggestions.
“As soon as I got the news, I had the Governor’s Super Delegate status revoked and his penis amputated!”
“I dispensed hand cream and Kleenex pocket packs to all my supporters months ago. This came as a complete shock to me!”
“It’s clear to me now that my run for the Presidency has caused Eliot Spitzer to seek solace in another woman’s vagina. I am officially ending my campaign and hope the American people and Chris Mathews can forgive me.”
“What the hell does Eliot Spitzer’s whore-mongering have to do with me?”
Damn those conservative talking heads. Thank god the liberal Huffington Post has the “right” perspective! The liberal bloggers understand what this is about. This isn’t about Hillary Clinton. It’s about why Barack Obama should be the Democratic nominee. Hillary Clinton’s mere existence makes men pay to have their pee-pee’s touched by people who are not their wives. Barack Obama can make men stay faithful to their wives. Yes, he can. Hillary is a monster.
Behind every successful man is a woman who will eventually have to show up at a press conference and swallow her own vomit while her husband reads his scripted apology. Silda Spitzer, Wendy Vitter, Suzanne Craig and Dina McGreevey understand this. They also understand that whatever kind of sex happened without them, it was Hillary Clinton’s fault. It’s why they all look so stoic.
Hillary does understand one thing … When it’s hard, it’s hard to be a woman.
Note to political wives … Stop attending these humiliating press conferences. What the hell does your husband’s whore-mongering have to do with you? We can all learn something from Tammy Wynette. As she aged, she not only got better looking, she got a whole lot smarter. Enjoy.
Tell a Friend
Graceful Stupidity
Obama’s senior foreign policy advisor, Samantha Powers, called Hillary Clinton a “monster” during an on the record interview with a Scottish newspaper and the reporter, Gerri Peev, printed it. Imagine that … a reporter reporting. Samantha Powers is a Harvard professor and I am not, but I do understand what “on the record” means. American reporters don’t do “on the record” interviews. We do inbed reporting! How else would our reporters know when to edit out stupid comments . Damn those foreign reporters! Powers resigned and Gerri Peev is the newest, biggest bitch on the block!
Meanwhile, over at the Huffington Post, Bizzaro World continues. All hail Tucker Carlson, the “least anti-gay right-winger you’ll ever meet”! Not only does he fight gay bathroom crime, he also has the balls to fight foreign reporter bathroom journalism! Sorry … did I say “fight”? I meant to say “Smackdown”! It’s a guy thing.
“Tucker began from the presumption that Peev had deliberately printed a comment that was off the record; Peev maintained that anything was fair game after the parties had agreed to start and the tape recorder was rolling. Tucker thought Powers’ request for clemency ought to have been good enough; Peev sniffed: “Are you really that acquiescent in the United States?” Then cameth the smackdown from Tucker: ‘Since journalistic standards in Great Britain are so much dramatically lower than they are here, it’s a little much being lectured on journalistic ethics by a reporter from The Scotsman.’”
Tell a Friend