Crack House Manor
There will be no straight-friendly B and B. Sadly, we were outbid on that lovely property by someone who wants to chop up the old mansion and turn it into a hostile of some sort. Is this a great country or what? Oh well, you can always buy something else. You can change your plans and take on something no one else wants … like two disheveled apartment buildings in a “bad” part of town. And so it is that I am about to set out on a new adventure.
After a long, cold, dreary winter, one in which I managed to gain back a frightening amount of the weight I had lost two years ago, I’ve decided to pry myself out of my ergonomic office chair and actually do something. My fun and hot sex companion and I, along with our adorable gay-friendly handy-boy Pete, have purchased two wildly unattractive and unimaginably disgusting apartment buildings in a “bad” part of town and will start renovating them within the week.
Here’s what we bought in lieu of the beautiful mansion with five acres and a pond …
A fourplex which was abandoned and used as a crack house. An adjoining duplex with god-awful shingle siding and a porch falling in off the back. The fourplex is home to a dozen or so feral cats and has a broken sewer main. That’s what’s good about the fourplex. The duplex has an odd “spinster” tenant who isn’t sure how she feels about change. The fourplex smells like a crack house with a broken sewer main. The duplex smells like a spinster tenant. This is going to be great.
Over the next few months we will be gutting and rebuilding the fourplex, starting with the sewer main. If we can catch any of the cats, we will take them to be spayed and neutered. The crack heads are on their own.
And so the renovation journey begins. I will post on our progress as we go and come back from time to time just to make fun of the Church ladies or the next political sex scandal. That you can count on. It has been my experience that whenever I stop finding churchy people funny, I need to get outside and do some work. Off I go.
Just so you know, the “bad” part of town is only bad because nothing good is going on there. That’s all about to change. Having lived in Washington Heights during the 1980’s, nothing scares me.
Ahhh … spring! Lest you think that there really is nothing good about the property we bought, I should tell you that it comes with a huge lot, which will be turned into a community fruit and vegetable garden. There is beautiful brick underneath the awful shingles on the duplex. The new apartments will be lovely and energy efficient and affordable. We found a dozen bikes in the basement of the duplex and are planning to offer them to the neighborhood for a “need a bike” program. The neighbors seem to be very excited with our plans and we are hiring a local work crew. The cats are a wait and see.
It’s spring and I’m feeling optimistic again.
Just for fun …
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6 Responses to “Crack House Manor”
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April 10th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Wow, that really stinks. I’m referring of course to, well…all of it. But still you’ve managed to make it funny, which is like throwing a cherry on a big bowl of poo! It’s the best thing you can do!
April 10th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Mojo - I noticed you didn’t volunteer your talents for the crack house. wtf?
April 13th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Sorry about the B-N-B. The Dress Code of Shame was very funny however.
April 15th, 2008 at 5:14 am
I’m sorry, I’d be glad to spackle your crack house! Or whatever you had in mind. I’ll spackle any other cracks I’m forced to look at on the job-site as well, tell your boys! After you get the smell out! Is the neighborhood safe enough to park a vehicle, or should I take a cab?
April 15th, 2008 at 5:22 am
Mojo - what kind of lesbian are you? Don’t you have a truck?
April 16th, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Of course I have a truck, what else could I have possibly meant by “vehicle”?